we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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