i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
