im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
