I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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