she woke up with a sticky ear
I need to stop coming to work sober
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
