I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
