i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
