She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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