My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Help. Why am I so naked?
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