There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
