3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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