I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
