Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
