Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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