When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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