so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
