I cockslap morals
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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