You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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