If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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