He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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