Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
