Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
