my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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