I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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