Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
