Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
