when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Someone came in the potted fern
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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