she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
