You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
