Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
