We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
