You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
