My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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