2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize