Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
