You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
