in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
