woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
