I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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