That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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