he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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