The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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