I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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