It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
