how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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