I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize