I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
