bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
