i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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