I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize