if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
