I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
