Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
