Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
