i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
