so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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