It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
